I feel sad and depressed again. 

I lost my motivation to get up. 

I lost my motivation to go on. 

I just want to die. 

I wanna sleep and never wake up again. 

Why do things always have to get so fucked up for me. 

The Night Feels More Normal to Me.

The night feels more normal to me.

I’m no longer up at ungodly hours of the night. 

I no longer feel weight of the world upon me. 

I no longer have to carry the weight of another person. 

I no longer have to beg a person to stay with me. 

I no longer have to cry to have someone by my side. 

I no longer feel sadness, anger, confusion, hurt, pain, etc. 

Now, I feel contentment, excitement, eagerness, confidence. 

I don’t stay up and wonder what I’ve done wrong, all of that pain is now in the past. 

The night feels more normal to me. 

Struggle

All my life, I have put the ones I used to love before myself. 

I have cared for the wrong ones. 

I have loved the wrong ones. 

I have given my time to the wrong ones. 

I have given my happiness away to the wrong ones,

To the ones who I thought would never drop it. 

Because of that, 

I taught these people that I always come second.

No matter what the situation may be, 

I come in second. 

No matter how much I may be suffering, 

I come in second. 

No matter how much I may be struggling to keep myself alive,

I come in second. 

I ran into the arms of someone who only wanted sex from me. 

I ran into the arms of someone who didn’t care for my well being. 

I ran into the arms of someone who was never there for me. 

I ran into the arms of someone who emotionally hurt me. 

The list could go on but in all honesty,

These people, 

The people who have hurt me and showed me I would never be enough for anyone,

The people who told me that my depression was getting in the way of our “love”,

Are never going to be in my life again. 

I have been through so many things, 

I have been beaten down,

I have been thrown and tossed away,

I’m done being that person. 

I’m done hurting myself because of other peoples’ mistakes. 

After suffering for so many years,

I’ve come to the realization that I belong on this earth. 

I’ve come to the realization that I wasn’t put on this earth to please ignorant people. 

I’m on this earth to make a different in new comers lives. 

I was put on this earth to experience new and beautiful things that God had created. 

I was never meant to attempt to take my own life, 

I fought for my life. 

I have a reason to be alive and although I may not know what God has in store for me, 

I have purpose,

I have reason, 

No one will ever take that will to live away from me again. 

 

Spoken Word

Distractions are good right? When things aren’t going well, when you’re going through a rough time whether it’s with family, relationships, friendships, or anything that could be seriously troubling you. 

Distractions are good.. Right? 

What do you do when those distractions don’t work anymore? When you’re away from something that makes you happy temporarily and all you feel is the weight of the world returning to you? What do you do? Do you continue to let it hurt you or do you change it? You shouldn’t have to rip yourself apart to keep others whole and you know that. People will come and go and some will use you, take you for granted but you’re naïve, you’re too afraid to let them go. People claim to love you, they claim that they’ll be here for you, but if they loved you, if they truly did they wouldn’t leave you when things got hard.. You have to keep yourself distracted from your self destructive thoughts every single day and it’s difficult. 

“Stop thinking like that”

“You’re okay”

“You’re making it worse for yourself”

“Stop being stupid”

“It’s going to get better”

Don’t you understand that there are people whose minds are so destructive that they don’t know what to do or how to handle it? Distractions are not going to help a person forever so stop telling people who are struggling that distractions will help because they won’t, at least not for long.. So what do you do when you feel the world caving in on you..

How distracted do you have to keep yourself? 

– c.g.

Thoughts

I saw you today. 

You were with her. 

You say you’ll treat her right but I don’t understand. 

You treated me horribly,

 you treated me as if I was nothing, 

you made me question my worth, 

you made me question if I was enough for you or anyone in that matter. 

You torn me down while I built you up. 

I loved you. 

I would’ve dropped the whole world so I could be with you. 

But instead, you left me with a horrible reminder. 

You moved on quickly from me, 

Obviously you didn’t love me like you said did. 

Obviously I wasn’t your first love. 

You don’t treat the person you love like shit. 

And that’s exactly how you treated me. 

Spoken Word

I love/hate the fact that the things that are said can stay beneath our skin. We can only hide who we are for so long. My hands are trembling as I say this, I am afraid. I am afraid that I am not the one. I am afraid that everything’s going wrong. I am afraid that I am fucking everything up. I am afraid of being alone, I am afraid. I failed to see that I am not who I claimed to be. Something is grabbing me, pulling me down and not letting me breathe but what can I do? I am struggling for help but unsure if I truly want it. I am suffering from a disorder called depression, I am suffering from a disorder called anxiety. My hands are trembling and once again, I failed to realize what the reason is for. I am afraid that I am now lost and unsure that I no longer know what path I am on. I do not want to go through this alone but I am too ashamed to say that I need help. I am lost. I am confused. My hands are still trembling, I am afraid of what I may do. – c.g.